It is so difficult to fully love again after one has been hurt, had your heart shredded, had the love of your life stab you in the back or been abused in every possible way. What do you do next?

I guess that depends on how deeply you were destroyed and when you might be ready to love again. I’m a true believer that if you don’t trust the person you are with, your relationship won’t work out.

We all know that you have to deal with your baggage, work your way through it, time heals, the right one is out there, you have a soulmate waiting and there is someone for everyone. I am honestly so sick and tired of hearing these phrases. For years and years I kept hearing this over and over until I wanted to scream. These people meant well, but I certainly didn’t need to hear this. What I needed was someone to understand, support and love me though the pain, the anguish, the terror that was part of my daily life.

I stumbled on with my life, worked longer hours, started going to singles events, but none helped me move forward, none helped me trust enough to give another relationship a try. After many years, I had developed a few strong friendships. These people supported me when I was down, but only if I let them know and most of the time I didn’t. Why? Depression was my excuse, but my actions only created a faster spiral into the depths of despair.

The struggle was real and no one seemed to understand. My daughters tried, they were good at listening, but that wasn’t fair to them and just talking about it wasn’t healing my heart. I needed more.

I had a few female friends, but the friends that I hung out with most ended up being male. I seemed to get along with guys very well, as I tend to do activities and have similar thoughts and just connect to them better. In fact, I’ve always had a lot of men friends. My 21st birthday party was thrown by one of my male friends and there were 21 men there at the party. No females at all, as I didn’t even have a female friend at that time.

I think it was because I was teased by the girls during high school, picked on and teased about my big thick glasses, my country style clothing and my tom-girl activities. I never wanted to pay with dolls, paint my nails or do my hair. I wanted to climb trees, go cave exploring, ride horses bareback.

Two of these male friends and I became pretty close, we never dated, just hung out and did a lot of fun activities together. We started to be known as the three musketeers. These two men showed me that I can start trusting again, they pulled me out of my despair and helped me realize that life was worth living.

I love these two men, not in love, but like big brothers. For 8 years, these two men defended me with their life, protected me from bad dates, listened to my woes and helped me heal from loves lost.

I am now in a long term relationship with a new fellow. These two men are still part of my life and my new guy is understanding and supportive of my male friends. I trust, but not fully and am still working on some baggage. Its a long process that I don’t know will ever be fully completed. I see new progress daily, as I continue looking at myself, my issues, my life and becoming the best person, friend and life partner that I can possibly be.