I’ve always had a difficult time sleeping and often have experienced physical, mental and other types of medical issues due to sleep deprivation. Not getting the proper amount of sleep makes my body shake, my brain buzz and my accident ratio goes way up.

I’ve been to many sleep specialists, none of which could determine the cause of my severe insomnia, so I have tried pretty much anything I’ve discovered and a few things that others discovered for me. Eastern and Western medical treatments at first, then moving on to energy healing, stress reduction, natural and holistic approaches and so many others. The more I tried to sleep, the harder it was. My average nights rest was 4 hours, often going several days with no sleep at all.

I finally decided to start on Ambien. I researched the side effects and knew what I was getting into, but after a few very close calls with my health, I decided to proceed, just being cautious and as aware as I can be about Ambien. My doctor agreed that this was my last hope and gave me a prescription.

My first dose was awesome. I fell asleep before I was even ready, but I got the best sleep that I ever remember having and woke up refreshed and happy. Unfortunately, I haven’t had a does since then has been as effective.

I was always very cautious to only take Ambien when I was home and going to bed alone with my door locked. After a few years, Ambien alone didn’t do much for me, so the doctor added a muscle relaxer and high blood pressure medication. Most nights this combination works pretty good, but I still have a few sleepless nights. I accepted that I will never get all the sleep that I needed and was fine with that, just part of my life that I get to accept, but then I got married and things changed.

When I did research about Ambien, I discovered that this drug is also used as a sedative to get girls to loosen up and have sex, with no memory afterwards. The perfect date rape drug. No memory, no crime.

My new husband took full advantage of this side effect and started forcing himself on me after I passed out, usually 2 to 3 times a night. I would end up with scratches, bruises and nightmares as he wasn’t gentle and loving with his love making. After I finally figured out what was going on, I approached my husband and asked him to please stop doing this horrific act. His response was, “I’m your husband, I can do whatever I want to you”, and he continued to rape me over and over again.

It took me awhile, but I finally decided that I didn’t deserve this kind of behavior and decided to do something about it. I asked my husband to go to couples counseling with me, not mentioning the rape issue because I knew he wouldn’t go if I did. After the psychologist visited with us a few times, she asked if she could interviewed both of us individually. We agreed. She interviewed my husband first. When it was my turn she told me that he indeed, was purposely rape me, that he was mentally disturbed, to get out and run, never look back, because he is going to kill me.

After a lot of fighting, we ended up getting a divorce, but the abuse didn’t end there. He was a master manipulator, who enjoyed turning my words around to make me feel guilty for letting the rape happen in the first place. He was also very vengeful and destroyed tens of thousands of dollars of my personal property, he nearly got the psychologist’s license revoked and left me with a lingering mistrust of all men sexually, in love and relationships.

Fast forward to today … I really struggle with my boyfriend. If we end up having sex after I’ve taken Ambien, I freak out and before I realize what is going on, I’ve accused him of rape. Even though I know he would never do this to me. My boyfriend is a kind, soft, loving soul that would never do anything on purpose to hurt me, so when I get upset, he really gets hurt and I feel guilty and miserable. He knows what happened to me and is understanding, supportive and sympathetic.

It’s been many years now, I’ve been working on this baggage desperately trying to get back to my fun loving self. Slowly I’ve been able to process some of these feelings and will continue to process, but I believe it will be several more years before I’ve dealt with these sexual assault PTSD symptoms. The truth of it is, that I may never fully recover.

I can’t tell you how freeing it is, how happy you can be and how peaceful your life will be if you just let go of all those beliefs that you were forced to believe when you were a kid. All of those little things your parents told you, taught you, forced you to believe in religion, home, life and all because their parents did that to them and their parents and so on and on.

Its not easy to shed these layers upon layers of negativity and stress, believe me I know. So many stories, religious beliefs and some other persons personal be beliefs were embedded into my head, when I was young, innocent and trusting. It truly felt like they were my own, but they weren’t. These beliefs were my parents, my grandparents, friends, siblings and teachers.

It took me 50 years to figure this out, to understand fully that I need to take a step back and decide for myself what I really want in my life, what I personally want to believe in or not believe in. That I need to let go of all those rules, baggage, emotions associated with the beliefs that I decide not to have in my life anymore.

It took a lot of deep processing of feelings, embedded to the core of my being. Almost like black sludge was sticking to my insides. There were hundreds of layers that I needed to get through, look at and decide if I want this in my life or if I’m going to let it go. It wasn’t as simple as that either. Sometimes I needed extra help from light healers, energy healers and the support of trusted friends and loved ones.

This support had to be with people that I knew would tell me the truth, no matter if they thought it would hurt my feelings or make me mad. Sometimes, actually most of the time, it did. I allowed it to, I allowed myself to feel and express those feelings as fully as I could or I wasn’t able to get it out of my way. This whole process wasn’t cheap, it wasn’t easy and often I didn’t want to push myself through it, but I’m so glad I did. I feel so much lighter physically and emotionally. I feel less drama, less rules and so much happier.

I still have a lot more to go, but a lot of the deeply embedded beliefs are finally out of my head, out of my life and not causing emotional breakdowns, no more outbursts nor negative drama and my depression has reduced greatly. I have a feeling, when I get all of this finally processed and out of my life, I won’t have any depression at all. All of those beliefs were causing me to have a toxic environment, as I would judge others for not having them and cause drama whenever they came up. Which is what they originally were designed for, to keep me on the path that others choose for me, not one that is mine and only for me, my destiny of sorts, if you believe in that sort of thing. Everyone has their own path and should be able to choose which direction in life that they want to go.

Over half of my life was spent trying to please others, trying to keep them happy and not step on their toes by abiding by their rules, their belief system and choosing myself last. The feeling of physical pressure was real. I literally felt as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, with every release of turmoil in my soul, I felt more peaceful, my soul was lightening and finally shedding the darkness that was attached to it for so long.

Don’t give up and allow others to rule your life. You deserve better. You deserve more. You deserve to have a life of peaceful, loving existence. Don’t forget to hug those you care about. Hugging is a great way to reduce stress, release negative feelings and revitalize your energy levels, so you can carry on and love yourself while processing. There is so much good in the world. Find your space, your place that makes you feel at home, where you get an energy boost.

For me, this is in a highly wooded forest, with lots of greenery and running water. The natural feeling and increased awareness is very powerful. I don’t bring any electronics, as they feel like they are sucking the soul right out of me. I come back out of the woods refreshed, revitalized and ready to take on the next challenge.